Dear Friends,
I believe that this is the longest hiatus I have taken from the Word of Grace in nineteen years and certainly the longest unexplained absence.
The words simply wouldn’t come this past month. Even if they did, I was not, and am not, prepared for a deluge of responses.
My beloved wife Patricia (“Patty”) died unexpectedly on June 26. She was a woman of faith, intelligence, wit, integrity, generosity, hospitality, and courage. We were married for 42 good and happy years.
Then she was gone – peacefully – but gone. Patty had battled juvenile diabetes from childhood. Type 1 Diabetes is a thief in what it takes from one’s body. In the end, her great and brave heart just gave out.
Our adult son, Andrew, and I are grieving a loss much greater than words can describe. She was the knot that tied our close-knit little family together.
Patty and I, and Patty, Andrew, our son, and I kept lines of communication open throughout our life together. We shared our love for each other daily. We encouraged each other. Forgiveness was offered and accepted when necessary. At the end, there was nothing left unsaid that we had wanted to say, except we would like to say it again and receive more of Patty’s wisdom.
Patty, as wife and mother, was our practical, competent, wise, and witty guide through all kinds of challenges from the mundane to major crises. We are bereft of her wisdom this time and we feel the loss keenly.
Instead of words, I find myself uttering some deep anguished moans, especially at times when I turn to her to tell her, “I love you,” or would usually call her like on the drive home from the office. Memories leak out of my eyes when I go to bed because for 42 years we told each other “I love you,” as the last thing we did before we went to sleep.
I do have hope. Patty believed, and I believe, that in the words of the writer Frederick Buechner, “Resurrection means the worst thing is not the last thing.”
Patty and I loved the words of Paul to the Thessalonians—
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We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about those who have died so that you may not grieve as others grieve who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have died. For this we declare to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will by no means precede those who have died. For the Lord, himself, with the archangel’s call and with the sound of God’s trumpet, will descend from heaven, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up in the clouds together to meet the Lord in the air; and so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words (1 Thess 4:13-18).
Paul said believers don’t grieve as others do without hope and we are to encourage one another.
As I have written here before, I engage in daily intercession for friends undergoing cancer and other suffering by texting out beautiful photos with a prayer to them and others. I decided not to pause sending them out.
How could I stop, given the belief of Patty and me in Jesus Christ who gives us eternal life? I ask others in the darkest, most painful days of their lives to trust Christ. How could I say, “Sorry, I am not praying for a while because my own grief trumps your pain and suffering?”
On the last morning of Patty’s life on this earth, she and I discussed two passages of Scripture on the points that God is not interested in our hypothetical speculations. He is not interested in our “good religious discussions.” Instead he wants us to focus on him bringing people new life and a relationship with a living God. He tells each of us that he loves us, and asks us, “Will you love, or not?” (See, Matthew 22:23-33, 34–40)
I thanked Patty for the theological rigor she brought to my thinking and we both spoke about how grateful we were to have the communication and sharing in our marriage that encouraged each of us to pursue the path to God with devotion and joy. I told her, “One of the great blessings of our marriage is for me to learn from you the deep things about the Lord. You have helped matured me as his follower. I love that you seek Jesus with relentless focus.”
She told me, “I love the same things about you. We learn and grow together with Jesus.”
If we had known that this was our last conversation, we couldn’t have asked for more.
My heart is broken with the loss of Patty in this lifetime. The 42 years were not enough. But I have a deep settled peace that I have never known before. It arises from all the years of praise and worship, prayer, reading and conversation that Patty and I shared together. We opened our souls and our marriage to the Lord and asked him to live there and he lives there even now in my heart and memories.
Blessedly, Andrew has this faith too even as he grieves the loss of his Mom and confidante.
Patty was my muse, sounding board, and proofreader for my essays and my prayers. We were partners in every way and without her I am picking my way along, day by day.
But I tend to pray my thoughts and feelings. Let me share one of the Scripture texts and prayers that I have written in the days since Patty died.
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“As one whom is mother comforts, so I will comfort you” (Isa 66:13).
“If you are seeking after God, you may be sure of this: God is seeking after you much more. He is the lover, and you are his beloved. He has promised himself to you.” –John of the Cross
“Lord Jesus,
“You are a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief. You know my broken heart and draw near in this hour of need. The emptiness in my soul is profound, the longing as intense as starvation, but you have been to the deepest pit and even there the Father’s love and gathered you up to new life (Rom 6:4). In the hours before the dawn, when the tide of grief rolls back in, I trust your strength and your compassion to hold me fast and to carry me through.
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“Years of learning your ways and your love together with my beloved now bear their fruit of hope and peace rising up out of dark, seething muck of heartbreak and despair. Who knew, but you did, and you do what no one else can do to ease my pain and give me joy. I worship you! What else can I do with gratitude beyond words? Amen.”
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Thanks for reading and listening. Please understand if I do not send an individual reply to responses to this message. My son Andrew and I are overwhelmed by the love of friends and family and lifted by their prayers. We grieve with hope in the Lord and in his return to take all of us home forever.
Under the mercy of Christ,
Kent
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Please note that the content and viewpoints of Mr. Hansen are his own and are not necessarily those of the C.S. Lewis Foundation. We have not edited his writing in any substantial way and have permission from him to post his content.
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Kent Hansen is a Christian attorney, author and speaker. He practices corporate law and is the managing attorney of the firm of Clayson, Mann, Yaeger & Hansen in Corona, California. Kent also serves as the general counsel of Loma Linda University and Medical Center in Loma Linda, California.
Finding God’s grace revealed in the ordinary experiences of life, spiritual renewal in Christ and prayer are Kent’s passions. He has written two books, Grace at 30,000 Feet and Other Unexpected Places published by Review & Herald in 2002 and Cleansing Fire, Healing Streams: Experiencing God’s Love Through Prayer, published by Pacific Press in spring 2007. Many of his stories and essays about God’s encompassing love have been published in magazines and journals. Kent is often found on the hiking trails of the southern California mountains, following major league baseball, playing the piano or writing his weekly email devotional, “A Word of Grace for Your Monday” that is read by men and women from Alask