Dear Friends,

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I became a student affairs administrator at a university when I was in my mid-twenties. I am not sure this should have happened. I knew a lot more about the rules in the student handbook than I knew about life.

My first disciplinary case involved a young woman accused of a serious conduct offense in the dormitory. The dean of women ushered her into my office where I began to question the student about the incident.

She denied the offense, but her story had a lot of holes in it. I, a new law school graduate fresh from the capstone trial advocacy course, was more than pleased to point out those holes with a withering fire of questions. I treated her feeble, evasive answers with contemptuous sarcasm and she became less and less responsive as the minutes went by.

She clung to her denial despite her shredded, contradictory account. Finally, I asked the student and the dean to follow me into the office of the vice-president for student affairs. He was a large, intimidating-looking man with many years of experience.

The vice-president asked us to sit down. He then proceeded to converse with the student in a warm and kindly voice. He asked her about her hometown and her family. “How do you like it here on campus?” “Have you selected a major yet?” and on it went for about ten minutes. She answered every question looking the gruff-looking VP in the eyes.

Finally, he asked her about the incident. “Did you do it?” he asked. “Yes,” she answered without hesitation. He followed up with another question, “Why didn’t you tell Mr. Hansen?”

“Because Mr. Hansen wasn’t nice,” she answered. Bam!

The VP shot me a look me and a smile. He was a wise man and he knew I was learning a lesson. Having the power and right on one’s side does not excuse treating even wrongdoers with contempt.

Men and women denied hope and respect have no reason to change or tell the truth. In fact they often stop communicating which means the suppression of the function that makes us human.

This happens with a few high strung surgeons who scream abuse at nurses, technicians, and medical residents in operating rooms or while rounding on patient units. It is such a problem across the country that medical boards and accrediting bodies have adopted special rules and training to deal with it.

The surgeons’ excuse usually is that they are simply demanding the highest standard of patient care, but in fact, it puts patients at risk when the abused and fearful employees stop talking to the abusive surgeons denying them vital information on the condition of patients. Even the fact that a human power of life and death resides in the skills of the surgeon does not justify the abuse of others in the exercise of that power.

God, who was angered and grieved at Adam and Eve for their tragic disobedience, gave them mercy and a covering before he sent them out into the world (Gen 3:20-21). He has been seeking reconciliation with humans ever since. His Son even gave his life to cover the penalty of our sins.

If we desire a relationship with someone, we won’t be mean to them. We learn that from God. The Apostle Paul asked the Romans, “Do you not realize that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?” (Rom 2:4b).

Our God who is the essence of love does not force his way and will on us even though he knows infinitely more than we do. The choice and consent of the beloved is inherent in a relationship of love and it is won through kindness. Take away choice and consent and any relationship would be one of power and coercion, not love.

Is there anything more painful to observe than a spouse who persistently finds fault with the other spouse or a parent who constantly criticizes a child?  Love dies a little and distance grows each time someone who is supposed to love you instead reminds you of your inadequacies or what a disappointment you are to them.

The best of us lack wisdom to meet all of the challenges of life’s circumstances. Those challenges are frequently impassable and unbridgeable, but God has promised help to us with no tricks or bars to jump over. Jesus said­
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But like Adam and Eve who hid from God in the garden in shame after sinning, we have our reasons to be ashamed. Further, we bear wounds from our mistakes and failures to live up to the conditions for the love of our human families and friends and the punishments and rejections we have received as a consequence. Words like, “You have a lot of nerve to ask me for this after what you did,” or “I warned you, and now look what you have done,” ring in our hearts.

A friend of mine who was a financial executive of a client discovered an error made by a subordinate which led to a large amount of money not being set aside as it was supposed to be. She had the oversight of the subject matter and was chagrined beyond consolation when she discovered the mistake.

The executive was known to set an extremely high standard for herself and for others. She took ownership of the problem, but as we discussed it she could not get past her self-reproach to find a solution. My logical question, “How could this have happened?” only brought heat to her shame.

Overnight, we both prayed about it and looked for a solution. I thought of a plan involving both accountability and the steps to appropriately fund the account. I called her the next morning on her drive to work to talk about it.

“Can we talk,” I asked her.

“Not if you’re just going to blast me,” was her answer.

“I’m not going to blast you,” I said. “I care about you and this situation and I want to propose something.”

“Blasting” her would have only added shame and fear, but solved nothing. Love and wisdom secured from the Holy Spirit in prayer made both communication and a solution a reality.

It’s like this with God. If we think he is angry with us and we can never please him, we won’t ask him for help with our problems, but James said God is the right place to turn for wisdom and he won’t give it to us while making us cringe by criticizing us over the things we would of done, could of done, or should of done. “If any of you lacks wisdom, ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it shall be given to you” (Js 1:5).

Remember that the prodigal son prepared a groveling speech for his father to explain his unworthiness to ask for anything. The father didn’t even let him finish the speech before generously ordering up much more than the son could ask or think.

God wants us with him. God wants us to want to be with him. Love is God’s means and his end.

James does say the request needs to be made in faith, without the second-guessing and angst of doubt (Js 1:6-7). I don’t know that it is possible for humans, made wary and jaded by this dangerous and deceptive world, not to doubt.

Jesus told his questioning, doubting disciples, “what is impossible for man, is possible for God (Matt 19:26). I have learned that to mean that I can give my doubts and impossibilities to God and ask him for help with those also. If I didn’t have doubts and questions, I wouldn’t pray. Honest doubts and questions should drive us towards God, not away from him.

All of this amounts to this – whatever our situation or problem, God offers wisdom to guide us to a solution. He will generously give us his wisdom and his help without chiding us for the sins and mistakes that we’ve made and he will not gloat over our humiliation. He wants his children to know they are loved. His desire is to make us whole, not tear us apart.

God knows everything we have done and our hidden faults and he loves us regardless. He forgives what we have done and he has grace to deal with our hidden faults if we completely surrender to him– “Take me, Jesus, faults and all. Do with me and for me as you desire and will!”

O taste and see that the Lord is good. Happy are those who take refuge in him” (Ps 34:8).

Under the mercy of Christ,
Kent

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